Monday, September 2, 2013

My Night + Dream

At some point before I remember the dream, I heard a click of the power going off and on I thought like I was about to die.

I remember in the dream that 1st there was a lotta stuff, then I was walking with my dad but not like it was him and I wanted to feel m********ory and have him carry me, so I went on him.  I ended up in some basket and asked him to put me in my bed.  That does not make me happy because it seemed so sappy.

There was something else I thought to remember but seem to forget it.

Oh, and my dad carrying me was pretty clear.  I felt for a bump and knew not were it mine own.

I dunno, I just had a feeling my dad followed me like any other parent and wants to feel on top of me like I'm shit.

Well, no, I didn't feel him holding me.  It was just an excuse to think @ me like m********ing.  Yea, I asked my mom to carry me and him when I was younger.  My mom I could until I was 3 and my dad maybe turned 8 or 7, at the mall.  My mom, after school and before that the beach so I wouldn't get my feet dirty and have to clean them.  I knew I'd grow up.

I'll just kinda say that I am in an experiment and probably why .. thought I woke up in my sleep with a teacher and 2 students and the teacher was holding me.  The experiment happened, and then that was like something I thought about, with other people, too.  I went up north, and it became more real and I often felt like I was being held in bed by people I was able to make up, like a mother.  Did happen with a thin dad but not like a kid.  I did think of siblings a lot, too.  I think I still managed the schoolwork until maybe my back lost muscle and I was in bed 3 days, couldn't do the music history class, came late after the hurricane, why I was there.  I did like it a lot, though.

I feel kinda bad, I never wanted anyone to pick me up nor hold me.  After that, it's something I am inexperienced with in life.  I believe people should be held and picked up.  I hope it happens even if they got too tall to.  I would like to be able to be important, but I feel that is a sacrifice of yourself, like to have people like all of a sudden want me to touch them.  I don't because I guess it'd be how I feel @ my dad.  My mom doesn't touch me but likes when we hug.  I think it is awkward.  I just don't wanna hurt anyone.  I have tried to be adult-like, but this is altogether very different.  I sometimes ween myself from when I was a Music Education major for @ a year.  I do feel very drained and thinner, like someone took a big straw, like in a cartoon of like Sponge Bob and sucked the curly looking goo in the cartoon outta me from the running, guess I was able to do a lot, yesterday.

I dunno, I'm too small to pick up a teen.  I am gonna do more arm workout and am getting taller so can't be Tinkerbell in the Disney parade because I looked too chubby making myself shorter.  They measure me and last time I popped my neck up with my head.  I'm 5'3".  Of course, if I could pick anyone up, then I'd feel like of course more comfortable to be physical with other people I see.

If you wanna get to the point, I'm not sure @ how Tim Burton these days would touch me.  I liked him in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I know, have to go back and see him, liked him lately.  I mean, he was more a public figure then.  Johnny Depp, I dreamed he touched me, supposedly my dad did it.  He rubbed by me, so hot!  Ellen DeGeneres seems on fire @ being more physical with people who are more aloof in their relation to her.  I know she had to hold onto Taylor Swift for a good job, and yes I did like it.  I just feel I wanna like work @ a daycare, learn to touch people.  I dunno what I'd say if there was a favorite way for someone to touch me, and yea I wanna go in hysterics @ the very idea..  I guess I don't feel comfortable being ugly and fat, not sure how I'd look otherwise, and have someone put their hand around me looking at a bunch of people or something..  I am not afraid to touch other people, but I don't much..  I used to think @ holding someone's hand, as 1 thing, but it may be overrated and not something you'd do long with anyone..  What else would you do?  I like the idea of going behind someone and lifting them from the ground.  I like doing martial arts on them, too.  I could still beat my little brother after a year of college but not tennis ever I think..  So, like I guess just a touch works out or like at a certain time a long touch or putting your arm on someone in a different way.. hm hugs?  How would my hug feel, dunno @ that 1 for some reason.  :0  Guess if I was up feeling good.  So..  There's so much I wanna imagine again, like the f***ing.  The inevitably betwixt eyes.  Me as a little kid!  So..  I dunno, I think it was mostly @ the f***ing and the eyes.  And the picking up and holding, which does begin to feel like at a loss and not really feel that great..  In real life, maybe I can make it happen.  I have ideas..  Like, I need to present myself, fix myself, like dress up, that would make me ***y.  Sooner or later, I need to get going.  So..  If you read through the funny.. stories hope you found them amusing if not just wacky and perverted.  The old 1s were better.  I hid them in old blogs.  It doesn't even say Story on all of them.  I can't even find them, didn't save the reference.  My new stories feel like a jellyfish ripped apart.  :(  Okay, so if I met Ellen DeGeneres, I dunno if she'd touch me on her show, I probably wouldn't even be in a role where she usually does.  If she did maybe just put her hand on me or arm around me would be like my favorite.  What about you?  :)  That'd be neat if you could meet her or like if she did something special with fans.  She picks up kids, I know.  I guess if you had a Tinkerbell on your show because they're supposed to be dainty, it would be funny and probably cute!  What if I did that when I was some sort of public figure?  That's what I wanted, to be a public figure.  I never thought of picking up people until now.

Yes, I'd want Tim Burton to touch me, hard though to think what.  I mean, right now, I feel overshadowed and I guess worried about the art or interested in it or something and the acting, such an experience I bet.  I think he's not too sappy happy.  I dunno, maybe he's a guy and it's hard to say.  Yes, I dreamed he lifted me in ballet, students, and I did good but it wasn't too hard, anyway.  I dunno if he lifted other students.  Guess I was like the baby personality, like Baby Spice.  I would like for him to touch others, of course.  :]