I swear to God.

Like a normal person I strive, to compliment Ellen DeGeneres, but then people say I'm just looking for attention, and that's not the only nor main reason.

So..

I guess some people I like make a problem with what I do.  They attack me.  They think I'm shit.  I was kinda mad at the piano, no one to comfort me, no one to shit with..  So, I got off and just went to ask my dad about room on the computer, and then I knew he was plotting to me about getting his instead of getting mine fixed.  What if I had a sign I had to read every day about this?  I couldn't get the idea of my old music teachers off.  While I was playing.  I didn't really make a scene, but some words somehow formulated and I had to try to forget it and not have it materialize.  It was like they have something in my brain or because I know I'm being watched.  It just happens..  Something happened..  Then, I was just kinda upfront with my dad about being teased about music and "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" and thinking of an old friend I had hoped became a big fan of Ellen DeGeneres..  Thing is, I just think like I know my other friend would like her too but for other reasons.  I dunno what reason you're supposed to have, but maybe they wish they did gymnastics or something and looked more like me, I thinks.

Wondering

It seems that people somehow had to do some situation or hopefully not..  I did wonder why my friend didn't watch Ellen DeGeneres, probably has a life.  She might watch TV still.  What does that have to do with me?  I already wanted to talk to her.  She won't.  I have no friends who'll talk to me.  They like stare at me, I feel.  What, what does that have to do with me, the way you few liked Pirates of the Caribbean and Johnny Depp.

Nasty

So, people want my old friend to take my place with Ellen DeGeneres.. why?  No, I'm me.  I watch the show, I'm more like her than her.  She's overly developed in an unnecessary way.  I got really mad..  I was playing piano and I thought my old music teachers were in my life though they did not respond to me, just accepted my friend request on Facebook and the older 1 sent me a Linked In invite.

Now, my dad is giving me his old computer and was talking like his oldest sister.  I ran outta room, and he's not reading how to back up stuff, can't save it to a disk.  I'm running outta room like when I record.  He's like he didn't get my e-mail I sent.  I did whatever he said.  I have no clue where the manual is, now.

What was the thing with this shitty message?  I don't give a fuck @ a person who doesn't answer and never will because of something I did.  What the fuck is this.  :[  I'm tired of getting shit from people..

I feel people are clinging to me.  I don't cling to anyone.  That must be something someone else did.  I need to learn from others.  What, did you just get read by your genes from your parents!

What do you think??

What do you think of how Ellen thinks like for instance me I'm mentally ill and "actually" decides to do something she wouldn't do, like she just changed.  Because I think she is only 1/2 New Orleanian, by family|blood.  Like, you'd think she wouldn't think of like being disappointed, in a way, with how she is.

Appropriate or Not

I think my oldest aunt started it, but like she seems to signal when something is appropriate, like me dancing to an Italian song if I watch Ellen DeGeneres, for example.  What's wrong with Italian?  She has an Italian partner.

Inconvenience

Before I took the classes from Ginny, I felt my ankles forming more like roots.  I even saw something like that in the movie Saturday.  I almost broke it seeing Mary Poppins as a musical.  It was a theater class.  She was acting stuck up and snobby thinking she was Ellen DeGeneres.  I'm not sure I had to experience that.  She did stop the class activities of sliding across the floor and it became uninteresting, I was kicked out and put back on psychiatric medicine by my mom.

What do you think?

Ellen looks older now, but she resembles not just how she was before I bet.

Well

Why did Ellen DeGeneres seem offended like she knew like what kind of dress people liked already?

Also, did you figure out why she likes dresses for fancy things made of cloth?

Hm..

I wish Audrey Hepburn were alive.  :|  What about Orla Karron Fallon, who's younger?  She's younger, an I rish ha .. harpist n singer.. very attractive, just had a son named Freddie.  Karron is French.

So..

Say, Ellen DeGeneres didn't like me, in a way, but I was still interesting to her.  Who do you think she would like?

So

I used to fall asleep right away, too tired for a story.

I thought lots of weird things.

I'm listening to Anne Hathaway.  Someone on Twitter mentioned her.  My hand, I felt was frozen to not change like I have it change, my right hand.  That's perfectly ridiculous, it's my life.  Maybe she is just a problem, meaning she has too many.  Most people don't want dark hair and pale skin.

I got another sarcastic idea from an Ellen DeGeneres con-artist.  Shouldn't say it, but I thought I actually heard it.  Why?

What's this I'm not from Florida idea?  Plus, NYC is incredibly stuck up.  I'm not rooted in the north.  That's just telling me I'm a lunatic, and idiot.  I'm sitting here thinking with my glasses, sorry @ my life.  Anne Hathaway doesn't sing that powerfully.  She's not a singer.  She seems to be getting it out.  I wonder how she knows of this musical so much.  She thinks she's a singer like me, but she's not.

More

Why am I still getting negative messages from my dad?

Also, I got the idea Ellen with others would be able to just like in what you'd call a show off way but not being like mean @ that term though it seems like it in this crowd .. that I was walking around with confidence tonight, like I was someone.  Maybe not, that sounds stupid, too.  Why are people onto me for shit like that?  LOL?

I'm concerned @ the self-centeredness of my dad's like attacking me like he used to seem to threaten, like he'd follow me and make sure to make me feel bad.  If I told my therapist, then what?  You know?  Like, I know my mom did that.  Like, do little things to annoy me.  I don't want them that close to me.  I don't mean necessarily never, but this is sappy and sucks.  It's not how I am.  I'm not a pig on the floor.

I so admire..

..Ellen DeGeneres for making things seem okay in the world and inspiring me to get a leather coat if I have a TV show

My Night + Dream

At some point before I remember the dream, I heard a click of the power going off and on I thought like I was about to die.

I remember in the dream that 1st there was a lotta stuff, then I was walking with my dad but not like it was him and I wanted to feel m********ory and have him carry me, so I went on him.  I ended up in some basket and asked him to put me in my bed.  That does not make me happy because it seemed so sappy.

There was something else I thought to remember but seem to forget it.

Oh, and my dad carrying me was pretty clear.  I felt for a bump and knew not were it mine own.

I dunno, I just had a feeling my dad followed me like any other parent and wants to feel on top of me like I'm shit.

Well, no, I didn't feel him holding me.  It was just an excuse to think @ me like m********ing.  Yea, I asked my mom to carry me and him when I was younger.  My mom I could until I was 3 and my dad maybe turned 8 or 7, at the mall.  My mom, after school and before that the beach so I wouldn't get my feet dirty and have to clean them.  I knew I'd grow up.

I'll just kinda say that I am in an experiment and probably why .. thought I woke up in my sleep with a teacher and 2 students and the teacher was holding me.  The experiment happened, and then that was like something I thought about, with other people, too.  I went up north, and it became more real and I often felt like I was being held in bed by people I was able to make up, like a mother.  Did happen with a thin dad but not like a kid.  I did think of siblings a lot, too.  I think I still managed the schoolwork until maybe my back lost muscle and I was in bed 3 days, couldn't do the music history class, came late after the hurricane, why I was there.  I did like it a lot, though.

I feel kinda bad, I never wanted anyone to pick me up nor hold me.  After that, it's something I am inexperienced with in life.  I believe people should be held and picked up.  I hope it happens even if they got too tall to.  I would like to be able to be important, but I feel that is a sacrifice of yourself, like to have people like all of a sudden want me to touch them.  I don't because I guess it'd be how I feel @ my dad.  My mom doesn't touch me but likes when we hug.  I think it is awkward.  I just don't wanna hurt anyone.  I have tried to be adult-like, but this is altogether very different.  I sometimes ween myself from when I was a Music Education major for @ a year.  I do feel very drained and thinner, like someone took a big straw, like in a cartoon of like Sponge Bob and sucked the curly looking goo in the cartoon outta me from the running, guess I was able to do a lot, yesterday.

I dunno, I'm too small to pick up a teen.  I am gonna do more arm workout and am getting taller so can't be Tinkerbell in the Disney parade because I looked too chubby making myself shorter.  They measure me and last time I popped my neck up with my head.  I'm 5'3".  Of course, if I could pick anyone up, then I'd feel like of course more comfortable to be physical with other people I see.

If you wanna get to the point, I'm not sure @ how Tim Burton these days would touch me.  I liked him in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I know, have to go back and see him, liked him lately.  I mean, he was more a public figure then.  Johnny Depp, I dreamed he touched me, supposedly my dad did it.  He rubbed by me, so hot!  Ellen DeGeneres seems on fire @ being more physical with people who are more aloof in their relation to her.  I know she had to hold onto Taylor Swift for a good job, and yes I did like it.  I just feel I wanna like work @ a daycare, learn to touch people.  I dunno what I'd say if there was a favorite way for someone to touch me, and yea I wanna go in hysterics @ the very idea..  I guess I don't feel comfortable being ugly and fat, not sure how I'd look otherwise, and have someone put their hand around me looking at a bunch of people or something..  I am not afraid to touch other people, but I don't much..  I used to think @ holding someone's hand, as 1 thing, but it may be overrated and not something you'd do long with anyone..  What else would you do?  I like the idea of going behind someone and lifting them from the ground.  I like doing martial arts on them, too.  I could still beat my little brother after a year of college but not tennis ever I think..  So, like I guess just a touch works out or like at a certain time a long touch or putting your arm on someone in a different way.. hm hugs?  How would my hug feel, dunno @ that 1 for some reason.  :0  Guess if I was up feeling good.  So..  There's so much I wanna imagine again, like the f***ing.  The inevitably betwixt eyes.  Me as a little kid!  So..  I dunno, I think it was mostly @ the f***ing and the eyes.  And the picking up and holding, which does begin to feel like at a loss and not really feel that great..  In real life, maybe I can make it happen.  I have ideas..  Like, I need to present myself, fix myself, like dress up, that would make me ***y.  Sooner or later, I need to get going.  So..  If you read through the funny.. stories hope you found them amusing if not just wacky and perverted.  The old 1s were better.  I hid them in old blogs.  It doesn't even say Story on all of them.  I can't even find them, didn't save the reference.  My new stories feel like a jellyfish ripped apart.  :(  Okay, so if I met Ellen DeGeneres, I dunno if she'd touch me on her show, I probably wouldn't even be in a role where she usually does.  If she did maybe just put her hand on me or arm around me would be like my favorite.  What about you?  :)  That'd be neat if you could meet her or like if she did something special with fans.  She picks up kids, I know.  I guess if you had a Tinkerbell on your show because they're supposed to be dainty, it would be funny and probably cute!  What if I did that when I was some sort of public figure?  That's what I wanted, to be a public figure.  I never thought of picking up people until now.

Yes, I'd want Tim Burton to touch me, hard though to think what.  I mean, right now, I feel overshadowed and I guess worried about the art or interested in it or something and the acting, such an experience I bet.  I think he's not too sappy happy.  I dunno, maybe he's a guy and it's hard to say.  Yes, I dreamed he lifted me in ballet, students, and I did good but it wasn't too hard, anyway.  I dunno if he lifted other students.  Guess I was like the baby personality, like Baby Spice.  I would like for him to touch others, of course.  :]

Well

Of course you know what I mean @ Nell Burton, don't mean the person.  :|

Problema

I heard another threat from my dad like he'd change.  What is this?  He's just a machine that keeps going and doesn't stop.  He's so sure he's okay.  He goes to a group .. oh the door was opened and I had to close it.  My mom usually closes it and it's almost midnight.  Sounds like they both were out there.  I heard ice then the microwave.  What's that?  He seemed to be thinking @ Ellen DeGeneres before.  He's also thinking @ me, though.  Stupid Nell Burton.

Competition

I thought that there was actually an opportunity to find out like who can do what.  Like, a lotta people wanna see Ellen DeGeneres, like be in Finding Dory.  I saw a girl post that on Facebook when I searched Google.  My answer is that I don't see how she's most like someone who should meet her.  I'd need to know more.  I mean, maybe she deserves to like someone with a hard life.  I guess that's something else.  I mean, she seemed testy, as well, like @ someone who seems like should meet someone.  Why would anyone do that?  It's not gonna help, and if you like them I mean.  They probably believe that person is in their way, but there are lots of people in their way.  I am just trying to be honest, but now I'm gonna think @ it.  I can see she's sweet, but maybe she doesn't eat right and that's why she's overweight.  Ellen probably likes those young lesbians.  Well, not technically the smartest.  You know, I just got the idea that me saying I'm bi offended her becuase it was like I liked her.  Why does she tick like that, like that's her own animalistic reaction or tendency?  Probably not the best thing to say, but you know what I really mean.  You mean she has lots of feelings like that?  I don't.  That's okay, but I mean that's just like saying I'm Asian when I just act European but have a poor life.  That offended me, but I'll get over it soon or have.  Why do ya'll build like that, I mean okay bye have fun but I'm still here or whatever just hoping people do what helps them follow their dreams..  Like, I was talking @ meeting Ellen honestly for others.  It's an easy thing to talk @.

So, what?

That would mean essentially no more Ellen DeGeneres, but she does some nice things and is just like interesting otherwise.  Well, really nice.

Problema

Why are people showing Ellen DeGeneres off to me?  Stop ruining my health.

Like, I'm doing stuff alone but get but in that I cursed @ Ellen online.  I don't really remember that but probably cursed at anyone who mistreated me for the N word thing but not like, "Stranger" is shit.  I don't really like doing that, so I don't seem to be doing it, anymore.  I sorta slinked out of my hatred.  I do still get upset.  What is this shit for?  I just heard a noise at my door, when I thought of shit.  You lookin' at me and makin' me ugly?  What?  I said shit because it's shit.  Like, my dad turned off the TV and eventually left, and usually I see his movies and think it's so cute and something I like.  What, .. I hope no one is really doing these things to me.  Just move on to your life.  I want someone to talk to and make me feel better.  All I have is what I post online.  I dunno I used to talk to my aunts @ it, which probably they are unavailable at the moment and I haven't talked to them in awhile.  I was just beaten with lots of messages, and things come to my mind, but it wasn't like @ Ellen DeGeneres.  What's yo problem?  I just said it WASN'T Ellen.  It wasn't someone.  It was just a thing, and it wasn't supposed to be something anyone does to me.

I hope it isn't a problem because all of what I say won't flow.  You must have a problem online, then.  Why don't you like comment and give me an idea for what I can post?  No one is like comfortable around me online.  Everyone was so mean to me, esp. after the N word thing.  The whole world became dreamless, like for the tweens.  You know, you don't like associate that with someone.  You associate it with the way you reacted to the N word thing.